Clear blue sparkling water. I'm gliding through it as my arms rotate around and around, again and again, my feet move in a rhythmic beat. My breath is even. In and out in a repeating pattern. I'm strong here. I'm confident. I'm comfortable. The water is smooth and soft, there's no breeze, no current, the only ripples in the water are made by me moving gently through it. I love watching the shadows that my arms make on the untouched sand beneath me. On days like this there's nowhere else I want to be, this is the best place in the world. I see the occasional fish, a brightly coloured lure stuck in the reeds and a golf ball.
I keep breathing. In and out. When I take my breath I only get a brief glimpse above the surface, the sun shines brightly into my goggles, it doesn't matter what's going on out there, sometimes I wish my face could just stay down so that my underwater view would not be interrupted by the need for oxygen. A stingray startles me and then I smile at the privilege of being able to be see it. I settle back into my stroke but my mind wanders to what else might be out there and I begin to see dark shadows in the water. They're just from trees or clouds or lumps of weed but uncertainty and fear are now in my thoughts. A boat passes by and makes some waves as the wind picks up, I don't mind the chop, it's harder on my arms but it makes me feel stronger as I pull my way through it. I kick harder just to keep the same pace in the increasing swell. It becomes an effort and I feel my muscles starting to burn. I look ahead but the next point that I had been focusing on seems far off. The tide has turned and is against me now, I'm not sure that I'm going anywhere. I'm kicking hard and pulling through the water but the view underneath me is staying the same. I've been looking at that same shell for minutes. I'm not moving. I turn my head for a breath and I'm hit with a wall of water that goes straight into my mouth and stings my nose. I stop. I cough. My goggles are foggy and I start to feel cold. The sun has gone, it's grey and I'm tired. Where I'm headed is a long way away. I turn over onto my back and float. I stay still but the water moves me up and down, I feel myself being dragged back to where I've already been. I roll back over and pull my arm down hard, I've drifted over some rocks and as I pull down into my stroke my arm slices open as it drags over the oysters. It stings and I yell under water. I hold up my arm to look at the damage and the blood runs down to my elbow and then drips into the water. Now I'm scared of sharks. This is life. Life gets hard. Life is full of tough times, so how do we keep swimming until the wind ceases and the tide turns? It's hard, the pain is consuming, we try everything but it seems that nothing brings relief, and then we choose. We choose to drown or we choose to swim. Kick hard, cry, laugh, be angry, be sad, smile, be happy, grieve loss, feel pain, breath and keep swimming. Keep swimming. Keep swimming long after your tongue swells from the salt and you start to chafe. Keep moving, keep breathing. Just make it to the next buoy, don't think about what is after that until you get there. Keep going. It takes a long long time but now you can see the beach, you know it won't be long until a wave pushes you in. You turn and see it coming and swim hard hoping to use its power. It picks you up and throws you down, it's out of your control and you spin and turn not knowing which way to the surface. But you're calm and you let it tumble you over and over. You know eventually you'll pop up and be able to breathe, you just have to wait, you know you can wait, you know you can hold on, you're confident and you know you're strong enough. And just as the need for air becomes desperate, your head breaks the surface and you breathe. Another wave comes in and you ride it all the way in to the beach, it's exhilarating and a welcome relief after everything that's come before it. You're exhausted. Your feet touch the sand and you realise that you've made it, you're going to be okay. The sand is warm and so is the sun on your back. You’re okay. You kept swimming and now you’re okay. You have no idea of what the conditions are for tomorrow but by the time the sun rises you’ll be ready to dive right back in again.
1 Comment
San Banbury
12/6/2018 11:05:23 am
Beautifully expressed
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AuthorKirrilee Archives
September 2018
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