I keep switching from backstroke to freestyle not wanting to miss anything. I have to choose between looking at the birds and the whispy clouds in the sky or the shells and the fish in the water. I start thinking about how amazing it will be to walk along the beach in the sun today and I start looking forward to that. I can’t decide what to look at and in my indecision, I’m not appreciating the moment of the right here and right now and possibly missing everything.
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I cradle my warm bowl of porridge in my hands, as I take a spoonful I can feel the warmth slide down into my stomach. It’s six degrees and windy outside and I ask myself “am I really going to swim today?”
I'm desperate to get to the portal. When I dive through it I enter into another universe, another world that lies beneath.
I know that others all over the world are longing for the same thing. It's like we have a whole village of people spread over both hemispheres who enter their own portals. Whether it's the sea, a river or a pool and somehow the waters are all connected, we all end up in the same place. A place of calm and comfort, no matter what the season or the water temperature, we all breathe easier after a swim. Standing on the edge of the water I unintentionally take a deep breath in, it happens like a reflex when I’m by the sea. I love being here. The sand that is untouched is in a corrugated pattern just as the water has left it as it receded back into the pacific.
I concentrate not to step on the lone dead bees that lie along the beach today. The air is noticeably cool but the water temperature is kind to me. When I start to swim my shadow is slightly behind me and keeps startling me when I see it move. Somehow it seems separate to me, taunting me, making me look back at it, just like something from your past. I think the water is cloudy but it turns out I just need new goggles, when I clear them I see the weed in detail and a school of big fish pass by. Near the end of my swim, the sun has moved slightly and my shadow and I are swimming beside each other in unison. We’re in agreement, we’re swimming in harmony with a pact to look ahead and no longer behind. I’ve made the wrong decision today, I’ve brought my old wetsuit. It has a few holes in it, it’s still damp and cold from yesterday and when I tentatively ease in to cross the river, the excruciatingly cold water leaks through the stretched zipper causing me to arch my back in a futile attempt at avoidance. On our walk up the beach I’m treated to stories of times past, of steam trains, childhood adventures and the first time there was telly. I imagine what it would be like to parent without the constant negotiation of screen time except that instead the kids are shooting rabbits with a 22. I’m left wondering which is more dangerous. I'm determined to raise my heart rate a little today after a three year old politely told me that I look like a whale on the very same day that my own six year old asked me why I look so much bigger now compared to in our wedding photos. I love how both are innocently unaware of what their comments suggest to me. It’s stunning. From every angle, it’s stunning. The sky is clear the water is inviting. The strong tide demands that we join its route and we willingly oblige. The water temperature changes constantly throughout our swim, there are warm wisps of ocean water separated by little pockets of iciness. I find myself persevering through the cold parts like you do a bad day.
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AuthorKirrilee Archives
September 2018
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